How to Build Community - Lessons Learned From Tyler Durden

It's easy to dismiss Fight Club. As my daughter once put it, "This movie was made by dudes, for dudes." In many ways, it's a celebration of toxic masculinity and a descent into nihilism. It can be something of a polarizing story.

But if you can look past this, you might see something else altogether.

Sure, Tyler Durden, one of the film's central characters, is a walking, talking, soap-making blend of masculinity, anarchy, and violence. But underneath his chaotic methods, there's something undeniable about his ability to rally people around a cause. He brought together a group of disillusioned people and gave them a sense of belonging. Some might say his tactics were a bit unconventional, but hey the guy got results!

So this week, let's dive into the Durden playbook on community building. We'll explore the art of bringing people together and igniting a shared purpose – minus the mayhem, property damage, and questionable personal hygiene. Though I can't promise we won't break at least one rule along the way...

1. Create a Shared Mission: People Need a Sense of Purpose and Belonging

Tyler Durden's gift was the ability to tap into the collective disillusionment of his generation. He understood that people crave a sense of purpose, especially when they feel lost in the mundane realities of everyday life. What Durden created with Fight Club went beyond physical combat; it became a community where members found a shared identity and collective goal.

So how can you channel your inner Tyler Durden (without the soap-making side gig and plans for societal collapse) to create a sense of purpose for your team?

• Identify a common pain point or frustration. What's the "IKEA nesting instinct" that your team or community is struggling against? At work, this might be burnout from too many meetings or a lack of real connection in a hybrid work environment. For creators, it could be the isolation of working solo. For parents, it might be the constant juggle of work-life balance and feeling like there's never enough time. By identifying shared frustrations, you can turn them into a common challenge that becomes a rallying point for change.

• Express a bold and possibly provocative vision. It's okay to think in extremes and imagine what your world could look like five to ten years out. In any group, encourage people to ask, "What if we approached this differently?" to break out of the ordinary and envision a more fulfilling future.

• Emphasize personal growth through collective action. Show how being part of the group helps individuals become their best selves. Creators might discover new techniques through collaboration. Parents in support groups can learn from each other's experiences. In any community, highlight how working together on projects or challenges helps everyone improve—whether it's learning new skills or gaining confidence. Create mentorship opportunities within the group, allowing members to learn from each other and celebrate shared successes. The key is to demonstrate that individual growth and community success are interconnected.

Remember, creating a shared mission isn't about manufacturing consent or manipulating people. It's about tapping into genuine needs and aspirations. You are fostering a community, not starting a cult.

2. Establish Rituals: Bring People Together with Meaningful Habits

Fight Club famously had its rules (and its fights) which served as rituals that created a sense of order and belonging. The strict repetition of these rules each night brought members together, reinforcing a shared identity and reminding them of their purpose. The fights themselves became ritualistic, offering members a consistent, cathartic experience they could rely on, because nothing says "bonding" quite like consensually punching each other in the face. These structured elements—rules, routines, and shared experiences—united the group and gave it meaning beyond the violence.

In everyday life, rituals and rules can serve the same function by creating a sense of order and belonging. At Sporcle, we have a weekly "Party" every Thursday where we play Sporcle Party over Google Meet for half an hour. It's kinda like Fight Club, but instead of internal bleeding, we get bragging rights.

A fitness community might organize monthly "Challenge Days" where members push their limits together. A writing group might try a "Story Swap" where members exchange and critique each other's work. For a creative group, this could be a weekly meeting where members share their current projects and offer feedback. Even in friend groups, rituals like a monthly trivia night or a shared hobby can turn casual relationships into deeper, lasting ones.

In any group or community, consistent rituals—whether formal or informal—help create stability, belonging, and shared experiences that bring people closer together. And unlike Tyler's methods, these rituals should probably be a touch more legal and not involve property damage. After all, the first rule of building community is... don't get arrested for building community.

3. Provide a Space for Authentic Self-expression: Let People Be Real

Fight Club worked because it created a space where men could be vulnerable, face their insecurities, and strip away societal expectations. The rawness of the physical fights was a form of self-expression. It offered members a chance to confront their personal struggles in a way they couldn't in their daily lives.

In your community, creating a space for authentic self-expression doesn't require anything as extreme as a weekly beatdown. It's about fostering an environment where people feel safe to be themselves—whether that's sharing personal challenges, giving honest feedback, or expressing creativity without fear of judgment. For example, I recently joined an online community called Saint's College that is all about growing on Threads. It is run via the platform Skool and has classes, discussions, and a supportive community.

For parents, it could be a support group where the goal is to share the messy, unfiltered realities of parenthood. For creators, this might look like a judgment-free space to showcase unfinished work or experiment with new ideas.

By giving people permission to be real, you can build deeper connections and trust within your community. This authenticity fosters a sense of belonging and encourages members to invest more of themselves in the group's success.

4. Empower Members to Take Ownership and Spread the Message: Give People the Reins

Tyler doesn't micromanage; instead, he empowers his people to take control and act on their own, which spreads the movement's message far beyond the original Fight Club. As Project Mayhem evolves, members feel a sense of ownership, fueling their commitment to the cause.

In a more productive less revolution-y setting, this same principle can be applied to leadership within teams or communities. Sporcle has Sporclecon, our annual trivia conference. The team planning committee has learned to delegate or die - handing off tasks and encouraging people to take initiative. This has team members more invested in the event's success. They feel like they are creating something bigger than themselves…because they are! When people feel trusted and responsible, they naturally want to spread the message and get others involved.

5. Create a Sense of Urgency: Drive Action by Inspiring Commitment

Tyler Durden's success in rallying people stemmed from his ability to create a sense of urgency. He made his followers believe that immediate action was necessary to change the world, motivating them to fully commit to the cause.

In any group or community, generating a sense of urgency can be an effective way to drive engagement. This doesn't mean resorting to fear tactics, but rather tapping into the passion behind the group's mission. For example:

• A volunteer organization might set a deadline for a big project to energize the group.

• Creators might push themselves to complete a challenge or project within a set timeframe, fostering momentum.

• Even in everyday life, goals like completing a fitness challenge within a month or working on a creative piece by a set deadline can create the urgency needed to break through procrastination and make progress.

When people feel like they're part of something bigger that needs action now, they're more likely to commit fully.

In Conclusion

At the end of the day, Tyler Durden's chaotic, destructive methods may not be the model for community building—unless your goal is to start a very niche, very illegal fight-based social club of some sort. However, there's something to be said about his ability to inspire, unite, and ignite a movement. The challenge for us is to take the powerful principles he used—creating a shared mission, establishing meaningful rituals, empowering others, and fostering urgency—and apply them in ways that build up rather than tear down.

Whether you're leading a team, organizing a group of creators, or just trying to build stronger connections in your community, remember that people are looking for purpose, belonging, and growth. By creating space for authenticity, establishing habits that reinforce connection, and encouraging people to take ownership, you'll be able to create something that stands the test of time.

So let's channel our inner Tyler Durden—minus the alter ego drama—and focus on building communities that make a real, positive impact. And if anyone suggests starting an underground club in your basement...maybe suggest a book club instead.